This Week’s Blog by Carole T. Orland
On occasion, clients who consult with divorce lawyers in Greenwich, Westport and other Fairfield County cities and towns, inquire about arrangements where the children stay in their home and the parents alternate moving in and out. This is commonly known as “bird nesting.” The motivation for this type of parenting plan is often financial. Parents sometimes recognize an inability to have two homes that are adequate to meet the needs of their children, especially during the pendency of a divorce. Or sometimes parents feel they are being more compassionate toward their children if they keep them full time in the home they are used to, particularly when the divorce action has just started and emotions are raw.
For these reasons, bird nesting sometimes may be a reasonable short term solution, however it is rarely ideal. Unless the family home is very expansive, privacy of each parent can be an issue. Sharing rooms, particularly the former marital bedroom, can lead to unwanted encroachment of personal space. It can also create emotional confusion for the children. Usually, a clean break although painful in the short term, is more realistic.
Certainly once a divorce is final, bird nesting is rarely practical. An alternative that works in some cases is to have both parents live in close proximity to each other. Although this means the children go back and forth, if both parents remain in the same neighborhood, the children are able to sustain their connection with what is familiar and comforting to them. Of course, this means the divorced parents must feel comfortable being in proximity to a former spouse, which often is not the case given the contentiousness that permeates many divorces. So like concentric circles, moving further out but still in the same geographic location is often the best move.
Children are generally resilient and in time most get used to two households. Often it is a relief from the tension and fighting they have observed prior to the divorce, sometimes for many years. And they may even think it is “creepy” for their parents to bird nest once the divorce is inevitable or after it occurs.
If you are considering bird nesting, it can be helpful to consult with a therapist who can meet with the parents and children, sometimes in different constellations, so that everybody can express their true feelings and concerns about such an arrangement. And it is a good idea to establish clear ground rules that ensure privacy and respect.
At Broder & Orland LLC, we are able to develop bird nesting plans that meet our clients’ needs. We are creative in our approach and thoughtful in the execution. We also assist our clients in remaining flexible when it is necessary to tweak or modify an arrangement that might work better for the family as time goes on.